"Mom, I got the third place in the exam, will you please don't be angry?" It is not the children who are afraid of losing, but the parents

01

what is the root of parenting anxiety?

in recent years, there is a very hot topic in Chinese education circle-chicken baby.

what is a chicken baby? To put it bluntly, it is to give the child chicken blood and arrange all kinds of extracurricular classes and training activities for the child with the mentality of "hope for success and hope for a girl to become a Phoenix".

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bilingual learning in reading the Mathematical Olympiad is the most basic, painting, piano, dance, ball games can not be left behind, moral, intellectual, physical, aesthetic and labor development in an all-round way, trying to let children have a "perfect life."

in a word, training in advance, highlighting specialty and squeezing into a famous school are the general ways to realize chicken babies.

for example, the resume of Xiao Shengchu, a 5-year-old cowboy of the second generation in Shanghai, is full of 15 pages, which is beyond the reach of many adults.

can recite 100 ancient poems, read 500 English books a year, be proficient in football, go, piano, piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, have 150 graffiti works, can do Sudoku, Tangram, and have been a host, and have been to Japan and Southeast Asia.

many parents are anxious when they look at this resume. How can one's own child be left behind when other people's children are raised so well?

this may not be about comparison, but more from "expectation".

but it is also due to this "expectation" that the anxiety of parents is getting heavier and heavier.

like the word "chicken baby", not all parents can afford it.

you don't have enough time, economy, and energy costs, and you don't even have the qualification to get started. You can only watch the various educational achievements and methods shown by all kinds of parents in the WeChat group, deepening inferiority and pressure day by day.

for 90% of parents, in order to keep their children from being left behind, their own children have to attend all kinds of training and tutoring classes; in order to enable their children to develop in all aspects, they can't be introverted even if they get good grades.

Children are tied to the chain of accelerated growth in this era, and they can neither break free nor escape.

early weaning, early talking, early walking, early reading, early socializing, and early development are obviously the next stage, which have been completed ahead of time under the influence of the current educational situation.

how many parents are hijacked by the phrase "for the good of their children", so are the number of children.

ask yourself, have we ever asked our children without any guidance:

do you want this kind of life?

what do you want to be in the future?

02

it's not because children can't afford to lose, but because parents are afraid of losing

as early as 2018, the Chinese Parental Education anxiety Index Survey report shows that 94% of parents in first-and second-tier cities have anxiety when their children are growing up.

with the progress of education and the proliferation of training institutions, this anxiety is also radiating from the first and second lines to the third and fourth lines.

just a few days ago, the neighbor's child got back a monthly report card of the third place in the whole grade. his mother was very angry and shouted at her child: "Why did you get the third place in the exam? why did you go backwards? did you fall in love and play games?" Are you not serious in class? How much money do I spend on you every month? why can't you know something? "

in the end, the parents cried and the children cried, forming a ball of anxiety, flying to every family around with children.

when parents fall into constant anxiety every time because of their children's academic achievements, their children will subconsciously absorb such rubbish emotions and choose to vent in their own way.

either become more and more rebellious, eager to break away from the growth track given by their parents, or become more and more silent, looking just like ordinary people, but less talkative and a little introverted, in fact, they are frantically approaching the brink of autism and depression.

according to statistics, the number of people with autism in China is more than 10 million, and the number of children aged 0 to 14 is more than 2 million. At present, it is growing at an annual rate of nearly 200000, and even this figure is likely to be underestimated.

Peking University has also released a report on the investigation and Analysis of suicide among Middle School students: one in five middle school students in China has considered suicide. Even after being admitted to the university, the tragedies of jumping off a building, lying on a track and jumping into a river occur one after another.

Don't think that the family tragedies seen in the news will not happen to you. In fact, they are radiating to every family at an invisible rate.

anxiety breeds mental illness, and anxiety can also induce family conflicts.

but until now, many parents still adhere to a logic in the movie "the starting Line":

for fear of taking the wrong step, their children's dream of excellent life will be broken.

is it actually that the child is afraid of losing? It is the children who are afraid that this life will be due to lack of school district housing, poor academic performance, and lack of any talent. And as a result, it was a complete failure?

No, it is the parents who are really afraid of losing.

I am afraid that children will fail in their expectations of a better life in the eyes of the world, that the hidden worries of one generation will come true, and that they will not be able to become good parents even if they try their best.

after all, parents are also parents for the first time, and they are more afraid of being parents than losing their lives, but they do not do their duty to make their children beautiful.

03

in the era of anxiety,

how can we cultivate promising children?

but in fact, we can't control whether a child wins or loses in life.

this world is not fair.

it is not the same educational environment that can give birth to the same excellent children, nor can the same talented children have the same.The kind of opportunity to get the best out of it.

as parents, we can only do our best to give our children space and nutrients to grow up.

and in the process, there are two things we need to understand:

1, children's talent is different, we are all ordinary people

each child's gift is doomed from birth.

some children are not interested in the number of words, but are good at all kinds of rhythms; some children know nothing about art, but especially like to study outer space; and the vast majority of children have mediocre academic grades, mediocre artistic fitness and mediocre interests and hobbies.

people are born different, everyone is a drop in the ocean of ordinary people, no one is superior to others, and no one is more mediocre than others.

Please don't deny it all, even if your child is a "little bastard" who can't do everything.

to discover the bright spots in him and accept his weaknesses and strengths, just as we accept as parents, we are also ordinary people.

2. Not all children can withstand high pressure. Please prescribe the right remedy to the case

some parents like "imitation education".

for example, when you see that the next-door neighbor is a "tiger mom and cat dad" style of education, you copy it to educate your children; for example, when you hear a certain expert say that children have to be disciplined strictly, they must have a superior educational environment, regardless of their own family circumstances and their children's personality characteristics.

not all children have the ability to withstand the "expectations" overflowed by their parents. Some pressures can not be turned into motivation, but will turn into resentment and inferiority.

Education is not to be belittled or perfunctory.

Please understand the child carefully, prescribe the right medicine to the case, and analyze the specific problems.

so what on earth should parents do to help their children grow into the best of themselves step by step?

in fact, it boils down to these 12 words: always care, often help, and occasionally "cure".

always care about:

always care about the child's physical condition, making friends, academic achievement, hobby, time allocation, and so on, to understand the child's personality characteristics and growth trajectory in an all-round way, not just "good study" or "poor study".

often help:

because we "always care", when children encounter problems, we, as parents, can help in time.

for example, some children will take the initiative to make up lessons, then parents will choose appropriate tutoring methods for their children.

for example, some children struggle to keep up with their studies, so they begin to slack off and indulge in the Internet. Parents should find out the root causes of their children's dislike of learning, instead of blindly blaming them, and then solve the problems that their studies can't keep up with.

for example, some children are good in all aspects, but they are a little introverted and can't make friends, so parents should guide them to take the initiative to deal with other children.

.

this kind of help is more useful than scolding and scolding to guide children to find and solve problems.

occasionally "cure"

everyone has a time when they are sick, depressed and unhappy, as well as adults and children.

when parents find their children inexplicably depressed, please take time to have a heart-to-heart talk with them.

Don't let temporary emotional problems turn into psychological problems that are difficult to cure.

be friends with your children and listen more to TA's heart.

finally, I hope that every family can cultivate truly independent, hard-working, educated and polite children on the basis of "respect".

is not necessarily a very good person, but he must be very real himself.