Never get to know anyone too quickly.

some time ago, the topic # Why do not talk about shallow deep # rushed to Weibo hot search.

the discussion of netizens is so deep that it has given rise to a new term "impulsive heart to heart".

(pictures from Weibo @ big washbasin basin, invading and deleting)

the most liked messages in the comment area say:

I want to beat myself to death when I think of what I said to some people before;

I'm talking about me, and I've been reminding myself to talk less every day recently.

I often want to bite my tongue, but I can't help saying

.

impulsive heart-to-heart communication is a big taboo in social life. Seemingly sincere communication will cause numerous consequences in most cases.

"Ghost Valley" said: "inside the body, its illocutionary, sparse; outside the body, its words deep, dangerous."

means: you are in a close position, but if you don't speak kindly, you will be alienated. You are in a position of alienation, but if you talk too hard and go too deep into the inside story, it will lead to danger.

learning to keep the balance of interpersonal relationships is the best way to practice in life.

01

excessive enthusiasm is a kind of disturbance

remembering that in the popular "Let's fall in Love 3", there is such a plot:

three male guests come to the observation house in turn, and the first male guest acts as a housekeeper in order to ease embarrassment.

took the other two male guests around the cabin with a good introduction, thinking that they could quickly get familiar with it.

however, when I later explained to the two of you that I was also a guest, there was a moment of embarrassment.

(the picture is from the third season of the variety show "Let's fall in Love")

(the picture is from the third season of "Let's fall in Love")

in our lives, we often encounter over-enthusiastic strangers, especially during the holidays. As soon as we meet, many people will ask: how old are you? Are you married? Where do you work? How much is the salary?

many people will regard it as the secret of interpersonal communication, but in fact, it is a detour that will push people further and further away.

will not only bore others, but may even be "blocked" directly.

Dr. Edward Hall, an American anthropologist, once proposed the theory of interpersonal distance.

he divides the relationship between people into four distances: public distance, social distance, personal distance and intimate distance.

the relationship between you and the other person determines the distance you should keep, which will cause discomfort to others once you cross the line.

the so-called "sense of boundary" is actually knowing how to distinguish the social distance between different partners.

one more point is self-defeating; one less point is effortless.

there is a limit to everything. Don't ripe it too fast. Only by being polite can you have a long time to come.

02

A book friend backstage talked about his troubles:

when I first changed my job, I held back a lot of things in the face of the double pressure of life and work.

so she told many of her secrets to a colleague she had just met.

because of her sense of trust after confiding, she mistakenly thought that she and her colleagues had become bosom friends, thinking that her colleagues would certainly keep her secret.

but it was later found that colleagues told others about her complaints about work and boredom in life as after-dinner conversation, and even added to the story to make the story more "dinner".

since then, colleagues have gradually alienated her and formed a small group to avoid her.

she often feels uncomfortable when she thinks that many of her secrets will be openly talked about by others, and in hindsight she has fallen into the pit of interpersonal relationships.

you know, when a secret is told, it is not a secret.

Leonardo da Vinci's Notes says: "those who open their mouths to reveal their secrets are likely to be preyed on by treacherous listeners."

the biggest weakness of human nature is its dislike of others.

therefore, it is the stupidest way to communicate with people you are not familiar with, to keep seven points in talking and to take the initiative to expose your weaknesses.

if you meet people and say three things, you can't throw one heart at the same time.

03

telling me what to do is a poison

there is a story in Historical Records that impressed me deeply.

Fan Jing came to the State of Qin, and the King of Qin Zhao greeted him at the court.

the king of Qin asked everyone on the left and right to stand down, leaving only him and Fan Jing. He knelt down and asked, "what will you teach me, sir?"

seeing this, Fan said nothing but answered, "Yes, yes."

after a while, the king of Qin asked again, but Fan only said, "Yes, yes."

after three rounds of questions and answers like this, the king of Qin knelt down and asked Fan Kui, "won't you teach me?"

Fan Yun apologized and said, "it is my subjects who dare not do this."

it turns out that Fan knows that lobbyist lobbying is by no means easy, and if not done well, it will lead to murder.

he has just arrived in the State of Qin, and he is a native of cloth, but he does not dare to give opinions easily.

so he deepened his temptation and found out what the king of Qin wanted to hear and what he wanted to do before he dared to give his own opinion.

Nietzsche said, "Don't judge randomly."Others, do not easily judge others, do not gossip behind people. Don't think about others. That's what good people do. "

in this world, a thousand people have a thousand ways to live, and everyone has their own position and their own habitual way of thinking.

when you don't know what others have experienced and what values they have, you are not qualified to judge easily.

others have no right to interfere with what you do, nor do you have the right to ask others how to live.

stay away from "suicidal" socializing, the most important thing is to stop over-directing other people's lives, because that's not your life.

04

two ways to help you solve the "impulse"

many people will say, "I understand all the truth, but when it comes to practice, we can't help but let action stand on reason."

this uncontrollable "impulse" is actually because you can't control your excess desire for sharing.

in a deep relationship, the desire to share is a good thing and can keep the relationship fresh;

but for people who have just met, this desire to share can become a heavy burden.

Seven habits of highly effective people say:\ "the foundation of good interpersonal relationships is self-control and self-knowledge.

Nothing could be more dazzling than our gowns for bohemian special occasions . Our collections make it a piece of cake to help you choose the perfect one.

therefore, the only way to control the desire for sharing is to know how to control self-control.

you might as well try these two tricks in the book to effectively improve your self-control:

establish an emotional account

interpersonal relationships, just like saving money, feelings will gradually accumulate, but also because of some contradictions, a lot of money will be spent all of a sudden, or there may be a deficit.

like saving money to open a bank account, a good way to maintain a relationship is to learn to use "emotional accounts".

every time you know someone, set up a new emotional account.

usually, when an account is first opened, we save a little money to maintain the account.

the exchange of first impressions and basic information of this person is the initial savings.

what is saved in the emotional account is not only the indispensable trust in interpersonal relationships, but also the sense of security when people get along with others.

as two people get along, savings will gradually increase or decrease.

what can increase the deposit of emotional account is politeness, honesty, kindness and credit.

how much we want to share with this person is proportional to the savings in the account.

get acquainted with a person, the more savings in the account, the more content to share and the more in-depth the topic.

conversely, rudeness, contempt, intimidation and dishonesty will reduce the balance of emotional accounts.

in the end, even if it is overdrawn, the relationship will have to sound the alarm.

using the emotional account flexibly, you can grasp how much emotion you need to save when you first get to know someone, and impulsive social interaction is naturally avoided.

A comfortable relationship is gradual, and only friendship that has been tested by time is worth cherishing.

develop win-win thinking

it is also a good way to exercise your win-win thinking if you want to avoid social impulses.

win-win thinking can expand your pattern and get to know someone from another perspective.

win-win thinking is designed to enable you to learn from each other, influence each other and conspire to benefit each other in interpersonal communication.

if you want to have win-win thinking, you must first have your own view of the world and the spirit of initiative, and communicate sincerely from an equal point of view.

at the same time, if you want to achieve mutual benefit, you must have enough courage and a mind to be kind to others, especially those who benefit themselves at the expense of others.

meet bosom friends and achieve each other; if you meet someone who is unkind, withdraw in time.

communicate with others with win-win ideas and exchange sincerity with sincerity.

with win-win thinking, we can restrain the desire for sharing that we first see, and through step-by-step understanding, we can achieve mutual influence and even mutual benefit.